Lost your libido? Here’s how to find it again.
In this post we’re tackling a big question that can creep up in long-term relationships: “Where has my libido gone?” If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Research shows that up to 40% of women and 15% of men experience a significant dip in sexual desire at some point, especially in long-term relationships.
So, what is libido, really? And if you’re thinking, “I want to want sex more,” what can you do about it? If you’d like personalised help, book a free consultation with me today - with no obligations. If you want to try tackling this on your own first, read on…
What is libido, anyway?
First, let’s define libido. Many of us think of libido as a “drive,” similar to hunger or thirst, but that’s not quite accurate. Unlike food or water, you won’t actually die without sex. While biology plays a role in sexual desire, it’s deeply influenced by psychological, emotional, and environmental factors—more so than basic survival needs.
It’s also important to recognize that libido isn’t a fixed trait, like having blue eyes or curly hair. It’s dynamic. And although it may have felt like an on/off switch in the early stages of your relationship, research shows that around 75% of people in long-term relationships experience a shift from the “spontaneous desire” they had early on to a more responsive form of desire.
In other words, libido isn’t something you either have or don’t—it’s something you can nurture, like a plant or a battery you keep charged.
Desire isn’t spontaneous… and that’s ok
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual desire is that it should show up naturally, like it did in the beginning. But in long-term relationships, spontaneous desire often slows down.
Emily Nagoski, a well-known sex researcher, highlights that most people need specific cues or contexts to feel sexual desire—it’s more responsive than automatic. That’s where the concept of “simmering” comes in.
Think back to your teenage years, when you’d walk by your crush in the hallway, and that one interaction left you buzzing all day. While hormones played a role, it was also those small moments of connection—flirting, smiles, and playful touches—that kept the spark alive.
Good news: you can create this same simmering effect in your relationship now. Every affectionate moment—whether it’s a loving text, a playful joke, or simply holding hands—can add a charge to your “desire battery.”
Figure out what charges you—and share it with your partner
Take a moment to reflect on what fuels your desire. Research shows that non-sexual actions, like sharing chores or offering compliments, can be just as powerful as explicit sexual gestures. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s work reveals that couples who share responsibilities equally often experience greater intimacy and satisfaction.
Ask yourself:
What makes you feel connected or appreciated?
What playful or affectionate gestures make you feel alive?
What non-sexual moments create attraction for you?
Once you know, talk to your partner about it. Share specifics about what makes you feel loved or energized. This helps create a roadmap for connection and keeps both of you attuned to each other’s needs.
Why do you want sex? Approach reasons vs. Avoidance reasons
A surprisingly useful question to ask yourself is, “Why do I want sex?”
Researcher Cindy Meston has identified over 200 reasons people have for wanting sex—from feeling emotionally close to stress relief. These reasons fall into two broad categories:
Approach Reasons: Wanting sex for positive outcomes, like bonding, relaxation, or enjoyment.
Avoidance Reasons: Wanting sex to avoid negative outcomes, like preventing conflict or avoiding rejection.
Studies show that approach reasons are linked to greater satisfaction and fulfillment, while avoidance reasons can diminish desire over time. When you think about why you want to connect, focus on the benefits—like pleasure, closeness, or feeling good afterward—rather than obligation.
Know your brakes and accelerators
Emily Nagoski introduces a practical concept to help understand desire: sexual brakes and accelerators.
Accelerators are things that turn you on or help you feel connected—like physical touch, laughter, or a romantic date night.
Brakes are things that slow you down or stop you—like stress, feeling unappreciated, or distractions.
Most people have a mix of both, but even small changes to your brakes can make a big difference. Take some time to identify what presses your accelerator and what hits the brakes. Then, work with your partner to ease the brakes and turn up the accelerators.
Create ‘Sexy Windows’
If spontaneous desire isn’t showing up, don’t wait for it. Instead, create intentional moments for intimacy. Studies show that couples who prioritize time for intimacy are more satisfied in their relationships.
Start by using your list of brakes and accelerators as a guide. Set aside “sexy windows” where you minimize distractions, set the mood, or engage in connecting activities beforehand. These intentional moments don’t just help desire surface—they can relieve the pressure for spontaneity.
Be present in the moment
When you’re in the moment with your partner, try to focus on the here and now. Studies suggest that mindfulness—paying attention to physical sensations and emotions—can increase sexual satisfaction.
Focus on pleasure rather than performance. Notice the way your partner feels, the emotions that arise, and how your body responds. Remember: orgasm isn’t the only goal. Simply enjoying the experience and staying present can lead to a deeper sense of satisfaction.
Recharge after the moment ends
Desire is like a battery, and you can start recharging it as soon as your intimate moment ends. Post-sex affection—like cuddling, talking, or sharing a laugh—has been shown to increase intimacy and satisfaction over time.
Keep simmering, keep appreciating each other, and keep charging that battery with small, intentional actions.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been feeling like your libido has gone missing, remember: desire isn’t an on/off switch, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. With intentional effort, you can cultivate responsive desire, reignite the spark, and keep that battery charged.
If you’re feeling stuck, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me for a free consultation or connect with me on Instagram at @afterinlovetherapy for more tips.
Let’s keep the conversation going—because intimacy is worth it.
