Why you keep fighting (and how to actually make up)

Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s the opportunity

Many couples think that fighting is a sign their relationship is failing. It’s not. Every relationship—romantic or otherwise—moves through an endless cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair. From the moment we’re born, this cycle shapes our attachments: a baby cries, the caregiver soothes, and trust is built. This doesn’t stop in adulthood.

The real issue isn’t that you fight—it’s how you handle conflict that determines whether your relationship strengthens or breaks down over time.

In this blog, I’ll help you understand why certain fights keep repeating, what’s really underneath those arguments about dishes or phone use, and how to actually move through conflict in a way that deepens your connection rather than erodes it. Or if your fights already seem too entrenched and you’d like some professional help, book a free introductory call with me to explore how Couples Therapy could help you get unstuck.

The same fight on repeat? Here’s why.

You know that argument you keep having—the one about how they never listen, or how you’re always the one making the plans? It’s not about what you think it is.

Relationship expert Esther Perel says we don’t fight about the thing—we fight for the thing. The dishes aren’t the real problem. Being late isn’t the real problem. The real issue is often about power, care, respect, or emotional safety.

We’re all making meaning out of everyday moments:

• "They checked their phone while I was talking? They must not care."

• "They didn’t text when they were running late? I must not matter."

It’s these interpretations—these stories we tell ourselves—that create tension. If we don’t slow down and unpack what’s really going on, we get caught in the same frustrating loops.

How we get repair wrong (and how to get it right)

Most couples either avoid conflict completely (until resentment builds and explodes) or try to “win” the fight instead of actually repairing the relationship. Neither works.

True repair is about making things right again, not proving you were right.

And here’s the key: you can only repair when you’re both calm and regulated.

That means:
1. Pause before you try to fix things. If you’re still feeling flooded with emotion, step away and come back when your nervous system has settled.
2. Ask your partner if they’re ready to repair. If they’re not in a calm state, wait. A forced resolution won’t last.

Then, when you’re both ready, use this simple 4-step process for effective repair:

1. Start with a fact, not an opinion.

Don’t say: "When you ignored me at dinner…"
Say: "When you looked at your phone while I was talking…"

Keeping it factual stops your partner from getting defensive.

2. Say the meaning you made.

Don’t say: "You don’t care about me!"
Say: "I told myself that meant you weren’t interested in what I had to say."

This keeps ownership over your emotions instead of blaming your partner.

3. Name your feelings (cleanly).

Don’t say: "I felt like you always do this to me."
Say: "I felt hurt, disconnected, and a little invisible."

Pro tip: If the words "like" or "that" come after “I felt,” you’re sneaking in an opinion, not a feeling! Keep it clean.

4. Make a concrete request.

Don’t say: "Just be better about this."
Say: "Next time, would you be willing to put your phone away at dinner?"

A request invites change. A complaint just keeps the argument alive.

And if you’re the ‘listening partner’…

Your job is not to defend, correct, or justify. Just reflect back what you heard and offer empathy.

Try this:
"So when I looked at my phone, you told yourself I didn’t care. That made you feel hurt and disconnected. You’d like me to keep my phone away at dinner. Did I get that right?"

"I can see how that would feel bad. I’m sorry. Yes, I’ll put my phone away next time."

That’s it. Gold star. Simple, powerful, and relationship-changing.

Final thoughts: conflict can bring you closer

When handled well, conflict isn’t a threat to your relationship—it’s an opportunity to build trust, deepen understanding, and create a stronger bond.

If you keep having the same arguments, it’s time to stop fighting on the surface and start getting to the heart of the matter. And if you want the full breakdown on how to do that, listen to my latest episode: "Why You Keep Fighting (And How to Actually Make Up)."

🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.