Sex after kids: the struggle is real but so is the solution.
Bringing a baby into the world changes everything—including your sex life. If you and your partner have found yourselves feeling disconnected, exhausted, or simply not in the mood, you’re far from alone. The transition to parenthood comes with hormonal shifts, identity changes, disrupted sleep, and a never-ending to-do list. Sex often falls to the bottom of the priority pile. But here’s the thing: just because it’s different now doesn’t mean intimacy has to disappear entirely. It just needs a new approach.
In this post, we’ll explore:
✔️ Why desire changes after kids (and why that’s normal)
✔️ The mental load’s impact on libido
✔️ How to reconnect with yourself and your partner
✔️ Practical strategies to bring intimacy back
And if you’re thinking, I just need some help! This is one of the most common challenges I work with and it’s one I can certainly help you with too.
Why does sex change after kids?
From a biological perspective, having a baby shifts your body's priorities. Hormonal changes, especially in women, can lower libido. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is surging, but it’s often being directed toward the baby rather than your partner. Plus, exhaustion is real. When you’re running on little sleep, your body prioritizes rest over arousal.
There are also psychological shifts at play. Parenthood reshapes identity. Many new parents struggle with feeling “touched out” after a day of constant physical contact with their child. Others experience a shift in how they see their partner—not just as a lover but as a co-parent.
None of this means sex is off the table. It just means understanding and adjusting to these changes.
The mental load & its impact on desire
One of the biggest killers of libido, particularly for women, is the mental load—the invisible weight of organizing family life, remembering appointments, managing emotions, and keeping everything running smoothly. Research shows that when one partner (often the woman in heterosexual relationships) carries most of this load, desire can plummet.
Why? Because stress and overwhelm activate the brain’s “brake system” when it comes to sexual desire. It’s hard to feel turned on when your mind is racing with worries about laundry, school forms, and grocery lists.
What can you do?
✅ Share the load—open up conversations about how responsibilities are divided.
✅ Schedule time for self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
✅ Shift focus—rather than waiting to “feel” desire, create conditions where it can emerge.
Reconnecting with yourself and your partner
Sexual desire isn’t just about physical readiness—it’s about emotional and mental space too. If sex has taken a backseat, reconnecting starts outside the bedroom.
Rebuild intimacy in small ways: Hold hands, cuddle without expectation, make eye contact. These small moments of connection add up.
Talk about it: Many couples struggle in silence, assuming the other isn’t interested. Instead, open up a conversation—without blame—about how you’re both feeling and what you need.
Find your new normal: Your sex life won’t look like it did pre-kids, and that’s okay. Focus on what does feel good now. Maybe that’s quickies during nap time, morning intimacy instead of late-night, or non-sexual touch that builds connection.
Practical ways to bring intimacy back
1️⃣ Lower the pressure – Shift the goal from “having sex” to “connecting intimately.” Take the pressure off performance and focus on pleasure.
2️⃣ Redefine what counts as sex – Expand your definition beyond penetration. Kissing, mutual touch, massage, and even erotic conversations can all help rekindle desire.
3️⃣ Make time for it – Scheduling sex might not sound sexy, but it works. With kids in the picture, spontaneous moments are rare. Planning ensures that intimacy stays on your radar.
4️⃣ Prioritize sleep and self-care – A well-rested body is more receptive to pleasure. Support each other in getting enough rest and time for self-care.
5️⃣ Talk about desire differences – If one partner is feeling ready before the other, approach with patience and understanding. Check in with each other about what feels good and what needs to shift.
So then…
Sex after kids isn’t over—it’s evolving. By understanding the shifts that happen after parenthood and taking intentional steps to reconnect, you can rediscover intimacy in a way that fits your new reality. The struggle is real, but so is the solution.
What’s one small step you can take today to nurture connection in your relationship?
