Where did you learn about sex?
Exploring Your Sexual Map
Let’s start with a question: What is sex to you? For many of us, the answer might reflect what we’ve been taught or absorbed—procreation, penis-in-vagina penetration, or something that culminates in orgasm. But is that really all sex is?
As Esther Perel beautifully says, “Sex is not something you do, it’s a place you go.” Where do you go when you have sex? Is it a place of connection? Comfort? Power? Healing? Play?
Dr. Karen Gurney adds another dimension by defining sex as “any activity with oneself or others that is about the pursuit of erotic pleasure.” Notice how expansive these definitions are. They remind us that sex doesn’t have to fit into the narrow boxes that culture often gives us.
Take a moment to reflect: How does it feel to expand your definition of sex? Is there relief in the idea that sex can be so much more, or does it feel unfamiliar—perhaps even uncomfortable?
Building Your Sexual Map
From the moment we’re born—and even before—we start building a "map" of our sexuality. This map is shaped by family, culture, religion, and experiences. Let’s take a closer look at these influences.
Emily Nagoski breaks it down into three categories: media, morals, and medical narratives.
Media: What messages did you absorb from TV shows, movies, music, or social media about what sex should look like? Were these depictions realistic or performative?
Morals: What rules or values were you explicitly taught about sex by your family or community? Did they create shame, curiosity, or confusion?
Medical: How was sex and sexuality discussed in health classes, doctor visits, or broader conversations about safety and reproduction?
Take a moment to think about these influences: Which ones left a positive mark? Which ones might have created limiting beliefs?
Personal History and Early Sexuality
Your sexual map also includes your personal history. This starts surprisingly early—scientists have found that babies touch their genitals even in utero. As children, we’re naturally curious about our bodies and may experience sensations of pleasure. But instead of encouraging healthy exploration, many of us were shamed for these behaviors.
Reflection: What messages did you receive about self-touch or curiosity as a child? Did they teach you that pleasure is natural, or did they instill shame or fear?
Your earliest sexual experiences—whether consensual or not—also play a significant role in shaping your map. If there were experiences of unwanted touch or assault, they can create roadblocks in accessing pleasure and intimacy. If this resonates with you, please know there are resources and professionals available to support your healing process.
The Consequences of a Limited Sexual Map
Holding a rigid or limited sexual map can lead to dissatisfaction or even conflict in our sexual lives. For example, if you’ve always believed sex must involve penetration and orgasm, you might overlook other forms of connection that could bring you or your partner more joy.
Rigid maps can also perpetuate harmful beliefs. If you’ve been taught that sex is only for procreation, you might feel guilt or confusion when pursuing erotic pleasure purely for its own sake.
Take a moment to reflect: What parts of your sexual map feel outdated or limiting?
Expanding Your Sexual Map
Here’s the good news: Your sexual map isn’t set in stone. You can revise, add, or remove elements as you grow and learn. Think of it like curating a playlist—you keep the songs that resonate and let go of the ones that no longer serve you.
Reflect on these questions:
What would you like to add to your sexual map to bring more pleasure or connection?
What beliefs, practices, or experiences no longer feel true or helpful?
For example, you might decide to explore non-penetrative forms of intimacy or incorporate practices that focus on emotional connection.
Sharing Your Map with Your Partner
Expanding your map isn’t just a solo journey. Sharing it with your partner(s) can deepen intimacy and open up new possibilities. Start by having a conversation:
What does sex mean to you?
What parts of your sexual map do you want to share with me?
What new experiences could we explore together?
By approaching this with curiosity and openness, you’re creating a foundation for more meaningful and satisfying sexual experiences.
Closing Thoughts
Your sexual map is a living, breathing thing—meant to evolve as you do. By examining your influences, reflecting on your experiences, and embracing an expansive definition of sex, you’re taking steps toward greater pleasure, connection, and self-understanding.
If you’d like to dive deeper into this work, you can talk to a Psychosexual Therapist like me (book an intro call), to help guide you through this exploration. Remember, sex is not something you do—it’s a place you go. Where do you want to go next?
